Interview with some blogger guy

It’s like I should be blogging about climbing because my legions of fans expect it, but I kinda got nothing at the moment. I mean, sure, I’ve been noticing stuff on the websternets and thinking about climbing a lot, but all my thoughts are of the “all rain and no climbing make Homer go something, something” caliber. So, in the absence of a better idea, I have decided to interview myself. It’s intentional absurdity at its most mediocre. Enjoy.

Me: We’re here today with renowned respected anonymous climber guy, Julian. So, Julian, you’ve been spending a lot of time lately not climbing on rocks and complaining about the gym. Do you have any other plans for the summer?
Me: Not really, no. I guess I’ll probably sit around waiting for the sun to come out for a while, and after that I might install some replacement windows in my house. Oh, and I think I’m going to like 37 weddings, so that’s happening.
Me: Sounds great. Say, what kind of harness do you own?
Me: Harness? Is that the thing that’s like a belt with leg belts attached to it and you wear it over your pants when you want to have your pants strapped to your legs for some reason?
Me: Um, kinda? It’s also used for rock climbing with a rope.
Me: Oh, right! Yeah I have one of those. It’s old, I think. I bought it like 7 years ago or something. I’m pretty sure it has adjustable leg loops. What does that say about me?
Me: That you’re pretty lame? Anyway, any truth to the rumor that you’re working on a “collabo” with Steve Jobs, Chris Sharma, and Weird Al? Something about a hand-held climbing karaoke device?
Me: No. You just made that up.
Me: Did not.
Me: Did too.
Me: …
Me: …
Me: This is awkward.
Me: …
Me: Moving on. Do you have a job.
Me: Yes.
Me: Shocking.
Me: I know, right?
Me: How’s that working out for you?
Me: Well, they pay me, so that’s cool
Me: Nice. You should spend some of that money on a climbing trip.
Me: (laughter)
Me: Why are you laughing?
Me: (more laughter)
Me: Stop laughing. I didn’t say anything funny.
Me: (still laughing)
Me: That’s it, I’m outta here.
Me: (yet more laughter)

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Would it kill you to stop raining?

Can someone put me in touch with that bowler-hat-sporting chap from the Traveler's commercials? I need the name of his giant magic umbrella supplier. It's urgent.

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Risky Bizness

Climber types often get all navel-gazey and philosophical when they start talking about risk, aka consequences, aka seriousness. Which, I guess, is fun for them. And fair enough, ‘cause I’m not interested in denying them something they find valuable.

I am interested, though, in what role risk plays in my own climbing. Because I honestly think it’s a real small role. I don’t place gear, I get all elvisy climbing above protection, I don’t do much highballing (and I do no “serious” highballing with real “consequences”). Nearly all of my favorite routes/problems are pretty short, and I love them for the moves, holds, and sequences not the scare/adrenaline/whatever.

Or maybe, I’ve become a little immune to the basic level of risk we all accept when we go climbing. An awkward fall could still kill me, even if I’m just 4 feet off the ground on a V3. But the thought never crosses my mind. Does that mean those risks I ignore are not a part of the appeal of climbing, or just that I’m not consciously aware of them?

I tell myself that I don’t take a lot of risks, and I kind of cringe whenever someone defines risk as a personal benefit vs. odds of serious injury/death inequality (you know, if benefit > odds of death/major breakage then have at it!). Because to me, risk is a much more complex set of questions and relationships than that. What about your friends and family? What about the folks who will be taking care of your comatose ass when you deck? Etc. Etc.

Risk, to me, is not a personal decision with personal consequences. It’s a personal decision with personal and social consequences. Which makes it much harder to pin down. So when folks do crazy bold shit and talk about the freedom and joy of risking death or whatever, I can’t really follow them. I don’t think that’s freedom or joy.

It’s also possible that I’m just some kind of milquetoast. Likely, in fact.

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Back without anything resembling vengeance

Clearly, over the last several days/weeks/whatever I have been neglecting my bloggerly duties. Blogeebus (the fearsome god of blogging) will probably smite me for my lack of devotion. But, you know… Meh.

Anyway, I recently had a sweet day of bouldering in Smuggler’s Notch, VT where I discovered the joy of renaming boulder problems in Vermont based on blatant stereotypes about Vermont. For example, “Greening All Day” to “Becoming Intoxicated by Smoking the Buds of the Female Cannabis Plant,” and “Pulled Pork” becomes “Dank Pork Nugs.” The Great Nug (the heavy lidded, ravenous, yet oddly sluggish god of Vermont) will probably destroy my soul now. But it was worth it.

Sadly, I returned home to find that I’m still climbing like crap at the gym and pretty much my entire summer is planned out. This happens every year (the too-many-plans thing, and now that I think of it, the crappy climbing thing too) and I never manage to head it off. Maybe next year.

At this point, it would be really cool if I had something either hilarious or totally fascinating to say right now. That would really help me establish some blogging street cred, which as we all know, is legal tender on the interstreet. But I don’t. So I’ll just point to this post from Peter Beal, which pretty much nails the silly climbing vs. life issue, and call it a day.

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Dead Zone

I’ve been struggling a little lately, folks. (Don’t worry, this is not a long personal disclosure post, I’m talking about teh rockclimengs). I’ve suffered a series of high gravity days, some minor elbow pain, and a serious lack of motivation.

Basically, I’m me only worse.

I figure it’s a combo of mourning for the good temps, my annual bout of plasticitis (characterized by bouts of lethargy when exposed to urethane and an apparent inability to complete a frickin’ blog post), and an utter lack of goals for the summer climbing season.

Now since none of those foolish enough to read this have ever met me, you don’t know just how bad I am at making plans and/or setting goals. I believe I have a genetic predisposition for being lousy at setting goals and even lousier at sticking to them. I blame my dad. This leads to a lot of time sitting at the gym pondering whether I should try that hard boulder problem a few times, maybe do some laps on a V4, or rope up for the first time in months. It also leads to this conversation any time I’m at the crag/boulders:

Friends: “What do you want to get on today?”

Me: “I guess I’d like to try [problem/route]. But whatever.”

Friends: “Want to go check out [some other thing]?”

Me: “Sure. Whatever.”

Friends (thinking): I wish this asshole would just say what he wants to do. It would make my life so much easier.

Me: “Did you just say something?”

Friends: “What? No.” (thinking): Damn! Must think quieter.

It’s really sad.

So now I need your help. Someone please tell me what the hell to do climbing-wise over the next three or four months!

Failing that, I’d settle for someone telling me what to do at the gym tonight.

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Happy first day of the bouldering season!

Once upon a time, some friends were out bouldering in late April in NH. The bugs were starting to swarm and the temps were too warm for sending. After spending a pleasant but only somewhat boulderingy day, the were headed for the car, lamenting the end of the good bouldering conditions, when along came a cheerful fellow with a pad on his back.

“Great first day of the bouldering season, eh?”

…

*Blank stare. Blink. Blink.*

I tell this story by way of illustrating how much more pointless and dull this blog is likely to be over the next few months. You definitely won’t be hearing about my sick climbing exploits, dude, because there won’t be any. (Which is different from the rest of the year how, exactly?) You probably won’t read any poorly-thought-out-but-mockable ramblings on the meaning of rock climbings. What you will get is a big stack of sickeningly self-indulgent, whiny posts about insects, sweat, and how heavy ropes are.

Buckle up; should be fun!

Type rest of the post here

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Climbing with Venn

Every year spring rolls around and I start whining about bouldering season being over. Mostly because I’m a weenie, but partly because it’s no fun to pull on sharp, microscopic holds or sandpaper/crystaly/glassy slopers when it’s warm out. Fact.

This gripe leads inevitably to someone saying something like, “Yeah but rope climbing season is just getting started.”

Ok but so does that mean when you’re tied into a rope holds become less sharp? Do you sweat less in a harness? Are there fewer rage-inducing insects biting the shit out of you? The whole thing kinda confuses me.

So I put together a Venn diagram to try and clear it up…



Nope. Doesn’t help. Oh well.

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